For the past 6 years I have lived with an abusive “partner”. It has been tough, however I remind myself every single day that though I was in such a situation, one that I did not better for myself I have grown, he gave me my son, he did help but I am free.
Recently I have been plagued with contradictory feelings in regards to my previous relationship. I did expect that though- I don’t believe he is a truly bad person. I feel a huge amount of guilt in regards to the break up especially for my son however I can only do what I feel is right.
It has been over for a long period of time, before my pregnancy in fact but as I am clearly (not by conscious choice I must add) I have the Disney syndrome. I wanted the happy ever after for my child. A safe home with two parents and no rocking of the boat.
You know what? Fuck that shit!
I had a turbulent childhood to say at the least. I am not saying G will have a turbulent life, nor would I create such, I’m a too safe and guarded person for that but he doesn’t need the norm.
Change starts at home.
F left not too long ago but thing are looking up, my home is happier despite many issues. I realised that the boys needed me to be two people and that doesn’t really faze me. I can do this…
I understand whole heartedly that I need to grow and develop further as a single parent, let alone as a human. I’m not sure if during the past 6 months I’ve changed too much, I would hope that I have.
I’m making small changes that should add into a monumental change in me. I want to be fitter, stronger, stable and most of all satisfied in my life and all my decisions.
I am writing this out. I am being positive and I am leaving the past where it should be. I will allow it to be part of me but I will not let it rule me.